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20 posts tagged rant
Today is the last day I’m going to feel sad.
I don’t mind getting personal with you guys. Why, I think it’s healthy to get one’s feelings out in the open rather than keeping them bottled up inside. I used to be the opposite, you know. Talking about and showing my feelings made me feel way too vulnerable. I also thought people would find my emotional self-expression annoying. Then I began to observe people around me who were straightforward about their feelings and I saw that there were liked, not shunned. I began to respect those individuals and now I try to speak my mind, be honest about my opinions, and cry when I want to. Sure, there are some things I should keep inside based on the situation, but I have found that if I feel a certain way about something it is best to let it out. Generally I feel much better because of it.
It may seem weird that I often choose to post what I think and feel on the Internet rather than talk with my friends. One, I do have friends, why are you assuming I don’t?! I talk to them about how I feel, sure, but I find it more cathartic to write things down. Writing has always been my premier art form and my way of expressing myself - I used to stutter and I’m still not great with words. So, when I am happy, upset, confused, or experiencing any emotion whatsoever, I write about it. But, why do I share it? First, there is something very impersonal about the Internet that makes me forget that millions of people could potentially see what I’ve shared. After all, I can’t see who is reading what I post and I rarely get feedback. Second, there is a desire to share with those people who may read because, like most people, I find comfort in learning about the experiences of others that parallel mine. There are unspoken support groups for everything on the Internet (when I’m sad it usually involves me reading countless Thought Catalog articles and watching hours of Ted talks) and a part of me thinks that when I post something there is a chance that someone else will read it and connect. After all, the beauty of every experience we have is that we never have to endure it alone.
However, recently I posted something here that I regret. It concerned my recent breakup. For me, the end of our relationship came rather out of the blue. For him, however, it was something that he felt was no longer working and should end before things lost their meaning. I understand that the pain of a breakup is often felt on both sides. I know that it was not easy for him to tell me it was over. In fact, I’ve been on that side of the breakup before so I should have known from experience. However, I was only thinking about myself when I wrote said post. I had forgotten that sometimes relationships just end and it’s neither parties’ fault. Sometimes the bigger person is the one who is able to admit it’s over. I realize now that I was harsh and I am sorry.
Also, I’d like to apologize to my friends. I was feeling very lost last weekend and I vocalized that I felt that I had no one to talk to and who would stand beside me during this sad time. I underestimated their compassion and I hope never to do it again. To those of you who have taken me out this week to see great bands, shared a bottle of wine with me, given me ice cream, and listened to me when I needed and refused to pry when I didn’t - thank you. You know how to cheer a girl up and remind her that life is awesome.
I’ve been laying in my bed all day and thinking. This is not a time for lamentation, but one for positive growth and change. It’s time to take what I have learned from this experience and make myself an even better person. I need to do this not for anyone else but myself. Time to get up, shower, and finally finish unpacking. Time to forget about this annoying, unproductive sorrow and enjoy what I do have.
Anyway, sorry about all the cheesy love rants and whatnot. Here’s to the return of meaningless but more interesting posts!
