I have a wealth of music at my disposal, yet I keep on listening to the same artists over and over:

• The Smiths
• Florence + the Machine
• Bjork
• Robyn
• Regina Spektor
• Glen Hansard

Is this normal?

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I don’t mind getting personal with you guys. Why, I think it’s healthy to get one’s feelings out in the open rather than keeping them bottled up inside. I used to be the opposite, you know. Talking about and showing my feelings made me feel way too vulnerable. I also thought people would find my emotional self-expression annoying. Then I began to observe people around me who were straightforward about their feelings and I saw that there were liked, not shunned. I began to respect those individuals and now I try to speak my mind, be honest about my opinions, and cry when I want to. Sure, there are some things I should keep inside based on the situation, but I have found that if I feel a certain way about something it is best to let it out. Generally I feel much better because of it.

It may seem weird that I often choose to post what I think and feel on the Internet rather than talk with my friends. One, I do have friends, why are you assuming I don’t?! I talk to them about how I feel, sure, but I find it more cathartic to write things down. Writing has always been my premier art form and my way of expressing myself - I used to stutter and I’m still not great with words. So, when I am happy, upset, confused, or experiencing any emotion whatsoever, I write about it. But, why do I share it? First, there is something very impersonal about the Internet that makes me forget that millions of people could potentially see what I’ve shared. After all, I can’t see who is reading what I post and I rarely get feedback. Second, there is a desire to share with those people who may read because, like most people, I find comfort in learning about the experiences of others that parallel mine. There are unspoken support groups for everything on the Internet (when I’m sad it usually involves me reading countless Thought Catalog articles and watching hours of Ted talks) and a part of me thinks that when I post something there is a chance that someone else will read it and connect. After all, the beauty of every experience we have is that we never have to endure it alone. 

However, recently I posted something here that I regret. It concerned my recent breakup. For me, the end of our relationship came rather out of the blue. For him, however, it was something that he felt was no longer working and should end before things lost their meaning. I understand that the pain of a breakup is often felt on both sides. I know that it was not easy for him to tell me it was over. In fact, I’ve been on that side of the breakup before so I should have known from experience. However, I was only thinking about myself when I wrote said post. I had forgotten that sometimes relationships just end and it’s neither parties’ fault. Sometimes the bigger person is the one who is able to admit it’s over. I realize now that I was harsh and I am sorry. 

Also, I’d like to apologize to my friends. I was feeling very lost last weekend and I vocalized that I felt that I had no one to talk to and who would stand beside me during this sad time. I underestimated their compassion and I hope never to do it again. To those of you who have taken me out this week to see great bands, shared a bottle of wine with me, given me ice cream, and listened to me when I needed and refused to pry when I didn’t - thank you. You know how to cheer a girl up and remind her that life is awesome.

I’ve been laying in my bed all day and thinking. This is not a time for lamentation, but one for positive growth and change. It’s time to take what I have learned from this experience and make myself an even better person. I need to do this not for anyone else but myself. Time to get up, shower, and finally finish unpacking. Time to forget about this annoying, unproductive sorrow and enjoy what I do have.

Anyway, sorry about all the cheesy love rants and whatnot. Here’s to the return of meaningless but more interesting posts!

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Note: If you’re too lazy to read the whole thing, the parts that are in bold are all you need.

So, right now, Lucy Brown and I, the neuroscientist on our project,are looking at the data of the people who were put into the [MRI] after they had just been dumped… So anyway, we found activity in three brain regions. We found activity in the brain region, in exactly the same brain region associated with intense romantic love. What a bad deal. You know, when you’ve been dumped, the one thing you love to do is just forget about this human being, and then go on with your life — but no, you just love them harder. As the poet Terence, the Roman poet once said, he said, “The less my hope, the hotter my love.” And indeed, we now know why. Two thousand years later, we can explain this in the brain. That brain system — the reward systemfor wanting, for motivation, for craving, for focus — becomes more active when you can’t get what you want. In this case, life’s greatest prize: an appropriate mating partner.

We found activity in other brain regions also — in a brain region associated with calculating gains and losses. You know, you’re lying there, you’re looking at the picture, and you’re in this machine, and you’re calculating, you know, what went wrong. How, you know, what have I lost? As a matter of fact, Lucy and I have a little joke about this. It comes from a David Mamet play, and there’s two con artists in the play, and the woman is conning the man, and the man looks at the woman and says, ”Oh, you’re a bad pony, I’m not going to bet on you.” And indeed, it’s this part of the brain, the core of the nucleus accumbens, actually, that is becoming active as you’re measuring your gains and losses. It’s also the brain region that becomes active when you’re willing to take enormous risks for huge gains and huge losses.

Last but not least, we found activity in a brain region associated with deep attachment to another individual. No wonder people suffer around the world, and we have so many crimes of passion. When you’ve been rejected in love, not only are you engulfed with feelings of romantic love, but you’re feeling deep attachment to this individual. Moreover, this brain circuit for reward is working, and you’re feeling intense energy, intense focus, intense motivation and the willingness to risk it all to win life’s greatest prize.

So, what have I learned from this experiment that I would like to tell the world? Foremost, I have come to think that romantic love is a drive, a basic mating drive. Not the sex drive — the sex drive gets you out there, looking for a whole range of partners. Romantic love enables you to focus your mating energy on just one at a time, conserve your mating energy, and start the mating process with this single individual. I think of all the poetry that I’ve read about romantic love, what sums it up best is something that is said by Plato, over 2,000 years ago. He said, “The god of love lives in a state of need. It is a need. It is an urge. It is a homeostatic imbalance. Like hunger and thirst, it’s almost impossible to stamp out.” I’ve also come to believe that romantic love is an addiction: a perfectly wonderful addiction when it’s going well, and a perfectly horrible addiction when it’s going poorly.

And indeed, it has all of the characteristics of addiction. You focus on the person, you obsessively think about them, you crave them, you distort reality, your willingness to take enormous risks to win this person. And it’s got the three main characteristics of addiction: tolerance, you need to see them more, and more, and more; withdrawals; and last, relapse. I’ve got a girlfriend who’s just getting over a terrible love affair. It’s been about eight months, she’s beginning to feel better. And she was driving along in her car the other day, and suddenly she heard a song on the car radio that reminded her of this man. And she — not only did the instant craving come back, but she had to pull over from the side of the road and cry. So, one thing I would like the medical community, and the legal community, and even the college community, to see if they can understand, that indeed, romantic love is one of the most addictive substances on Earth.

-Helen Fisher

I find it fascinating and comforting that the way I feel right now can be perfectly explained by science. 

The text above comes from a TED talk given by Anthropologist Helen Fisher. I like that her approach is both scientific and romantic. After all of her studies she still says that love is magic. I think that’s beautiful. The quote, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” is one that she does not use in her speech, but I find it very fitting at the moment. 

Watch the talk below.

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Last night I lost my keys. I searched through my purse, my friend’s car, and even the grounds in and around the Bean Gallery where I had spent the last of my night. I couldn’t find them and despaired. I had gone downtown earlier that day and wandered through Woldenberg Park, the Quarter, and on Frenchman Street; my keys could be anywhere, most likely lost forever. After checking every window of my house I discovered that luckily the last one was open (also creepy since it’s my bedroom). I hoisted myself in and fell to the floor feeling momentarily triumphant that I’d at least be able to sleep in my own bed, but still sad at the ultimate loss of my trusty keys. I walked into the bathroom and began to undress and, suddenly, I began to laugh. My keys had been on me the entire time, in the last place I had thought to check - my pocket. 

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You are quiet, reserved, imaginative, sometimes impractical, and subject to moods. To be happy, you require a deep and constant love. You are generally bright and happy and usually manage to get a reasonable amount of comfort. You have few intimate friends.

I found this earlier today on The Old Farmers Almanac and thought it was cute. It also happens to be a surprisingly accurate description of me (though I can be quite loud and obnoxious) so I thought I’d share.

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